FFP#16 – Holed Up

I haven’t left my house in six months. Some of you might call that agoraphobia, but I call it “Fuck you, world.” I quit my job, cashed out my savings and 401k, and never go anywhere. I order lots of stuff online. Do you realize that almost anything in the world can be delivered? To your front door? And that you can even ask the UPS guy to bring those items inside? I never even have to step out onto the porch. So, anyway, I mostly spend my days shopping online and watching a lot of TV. I’ve decided that morning talk shows suck. The afternoon ones are a teensy bit better. Some days I love Oprah. Some days I hate her, but I think my hate is just rooted in jealousy. Anyway, I’m sure that’s what she would say. “Lara,” she’d also tell me. “You have the power to create your destiny. Negative feelings will only dampen your spirit.” And she’s right, of course. I imagined my destiny to be in this house, enjoying myself, by myself — and I did it! Every day after my morning shower, I dance naked in front of my mirror and enjoy myself. Whatever music is playing on the radio, I dance to it. Naked. Naaaaaked! Last week, I wrote Oprah a letter: Dear Oprah — I’ve learned to embrace my spirit. I learned that if you look at yourself often enough in the nude, then it’s not such a disappointment, not such a heart-stopping shock. If you look at yourself often enough, you wonder how in the world anyone couldn’t love you. Anyway, I think you should do a show naked. I attached a small photograph of me lying on the couch, only wearing a pair of lace gloves I found in a box in the attic. I thought the lace gloves added a touch of femininity. I haven’t heard back yet but that’s okay. I’m living my truth. My only regret is that I never got naked in front of my husband, and now that he’s gone I wish that I had never worn any clothes while he was around. Anyway, I’ve never even had a husband LOL

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