Tag Archives: satire

Christopher Columbus!

Hey, it’s Columbus Day! Remember when Christopher Columbus got lost, then found something that was already found, and then tried to pass it off as what he was supposed to find in the first place? He was like, “Hot dog! Gold!” and “WOMEN” and gave his best friend a young native woman for raping. (I believe this was in what is now Haiti.) Then he left some men there to explore and, you know, collect all the gold. When he went before the king and queen of Spain he was all, “The nautical experts were totally wrong! I found the Asian islands, Indians, and gold! GOLD.” I don’t know if he told them about the WOMEN.

Anyway, he went back, found the settlement he left behind burned to the ground (Lord knows why?), no men, and no gold! Being a fair and even-tempered man, as revenge — I mean, justice, he decided on forced labor and tributes from the native people, even though the queen of Spain didn’t believe in slavery.

Oh! And remember that one time, in what is now known as Cuba, when he tricked the islanders into believing he could control the moon by knowing when the next lunar eclipse would happen? Using those great tools of diplomacy — fear, threats, lying — he was able to get a trade agreement with them. Lol, Christopher. You may be the biggest asshole with his very own holiday.

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